


Bachelor in Thedas

by zevra1elf



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Bachelor AU, F/F, F/M, M/M, no beta read, we die like men!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-27 12:47:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21392410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zevra1elf/pseuds/zevra1elf
Summary: Dorian Pavus is a Tevinter immigrant now college professor struggling to achieve the Fereldin dream. The Iron Bull is the successful owner of a security firm who accidentally caught the eyes of the world. Why either of them agreed to go through with this is still up for debate.
Relationships: Iron Bull/Dorian Pavus
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	Bachelor in Thedas

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so this is essentially a crack idea and I don't know how often I'll update it but I thought I'd throw it out there to get it out of my head. XP Anyway have fun!

There were many things about Fereldin the Dorian Pavus had to become accustomed to after seeking asylum in the southern country. The weather was the first thing that had him wishing he had stayed in warmer waters, the summers fleeting and their winters being absolutely dismal. There was also the general dislike of mages who openly practiced their magic, ESPECIALLY Tevinter mages. Though the days of the Circles were long gone and there hadn’t been any abominations in over a century people were still superstitious and outright racist towards any mage outside of Ferelden.

As closed off and simpleminded as they were towards the wonders of what magic could do for the world there were also ways in which Fereldin was far better than home. The country was a melting pot of all races, shapes, and sizes. Everywhere he looked he never saw just one type of person; you had Orlisians, Fereldins, Antivians, Elves, Dwarves, hell even Qunari called Fereldin their home! It wasn’t just the mix of people that made this land so varied. The majority followed the Chantry but there were also those who believed in the old Elven Gods, the Qun, or simply nothing at all and none of them had any problems saying it.

Then there was the main reason Dorian had fled to Fereldin rather than Orlais or Nevera. Here you didn’t have to hide who you truly were. Even after living here for two years he was still getting used to how open people were with their relationships. Same-sex couples walking down the street holding hands, arguing about their problems in public like a married couple. And marriage! Though it was still a relatively new concept here he had seen many people who proudly proclaimed their spouse was the same gender as themselves. It was something of a dream really. To find someone special, get married, buy a house and adopt a few kids to raise in a happy home.

Of course for Dorian that was all still a dream for him. Right now he was just thankful for his day off, dressed in casual attire while gathering some wine and a glass from the small wine cabinet in his two-bedroom apartment. “Hey, princey pants! You’re going to miss your show!” The mage rolled his eyes slightly as he opened the fridge and retrieved one of Sera’s beers, closing the door before making his way to the living room. “I wouldn’t have stayed there so long if someone got their own drink.” He teased, the elf grabbing the bottle from his hand as he sat down, placing the bottle and wine glass on the table in front of him while Sera chose to sit on the floor.

The story of how he became roommates with the uncouth elf was a strange one. It had been a particularly bad day at work. His students at the college he was working at, all learning advanced magics and necromancy, were particularly unruly that day. His pay had been delayed due to a mix up with his bank and his family had once more tried to get in contact with him, this time through the college. The mage had just got home, opening the door to his home when he felt something smack the back of his head. The water balloon burst upon impact, laughter ringing in his ears.

Sera had been the one who threw it, cackling as she pointed at him. At the time he only vaguely knew the elf from the coffee shop and apparently, his awful morning attitude had finally ended up with her taking action against him. The blond started calling him names ‘vinty’, mage, the usual flare but the look he had given her was not the one she expected. Dorian had been going for annoyed but proud but upon later questioning, Sera told him he looked more like a wet puppy. A wet puppy she had just kicked.

Two minutes after he had closed the door on her she had knocked on the door and for some reason, unknown even to her asked if he was ok. For an equally mysterious reason, Dorian told her ‘if she wanted him to go into the hole she was going to have to come inside’. Strangely enough, she had taken him up on that offer which led Dorian into going off into a rant about all his troubles in the last month. Of course, it took hours upon hours and he ended up cooking dinner for the both of them, without magic much to the elf’s surprise.

Sera had become incensed when he spoke of his family and ended up apologizing for the water balloon to the head. She hadn’t expected someone who looked like him to have his sorts of troubles, normal people problems, Dorian apologizing in turn about his awful morning behavior and complimenting her coffee brewing skills. By the time they had come to some form of understanding the sun had set and rain clouds had set in. It was as she was leaving that the man learned she was currently living in her car. It took the promise of more drinks from his fridge with morning coffee as payment for her to come back inside.

That night sprung a strange friendship between the two that lead to Dorian offering her a place to stay in his home. Now he had a coffee machine and a fresh cup every morning and Sera had a place to stay with someone who gladly put up with her antics. There was no judgment between them though she apparently got plenty of flack when her group of friends discovered she’d been hiding her previous living conditions from them. A group of friends that Dorian was quickly dragged into kicking and screaming. Now he wouldn’t have it any other way.

That’s how he ended up sharing his Saturday tradition with Sera and Beala Lavellan, an elf woman who had come from a Dalish reservation to live in the city. Since Saturday was the one day of the week they both had off they would start it off by watching some of the shows they missed during the week. Sera usually picked some game show where the contestants ended up getting hurt or covered in something disgusting, often a combination of the two while Dorian would pick some reality tv drama that she would have to suffer through. Beala hadn’t become a part of it until Sera begged her to help her through what was becoming her greatest complaint about Dorian; The Bachelor.

The Bachelor was a dramatic reality show that started in Fereldin sometime twenty years ago. It had spread like wildfire after it’s first three seasons, launching spinoffs in Orlais, Antiva, even Tevinter got in on it. Of course from what Dorian knew about the Tevinter version the selection of contestants was far less varied than everywhere else in the world but he had never watched the show there. It had always seemed so fake like the ‘winner’ was already selected beforehand which wouldn’t surprise him.

Over here in Fereldin though it was much more realistic. Perhaps they were being over-emotional about every little issue and causing more drama for the sake of views but there seemed to be real connections being formed. Originally the final person to receive a rose was engaged to the Bachelor or Bachelorette but after several divorces, they decided it was safer to use promise rings. The couple would continue their relationship outside of the drama-filled program and thus far this ended in less messy endings. Sera absolutely hated this sort of thing and originally Beala had been dragged here to make fun of it along with her.

It was unfortunate then that it turned out that not only did the Dalish elf love the show she knew everything about the previous seasons. Hence why they now watched the show with a good portion of alcohol.

This season was turning out to be a heated one, with several of the men butting heads over who was being real with the Bachelorette, a human woman by the name of Cersa, and who was being fake. “Zevran is rough around the edges but one must admit that at LEAST he admits it!” Dorian mused as they watched the elf once more coyly pick and prod at a bulkier contestant, Vaughan. He despised the man who was openly hateful towards elves and generally anyone not human but things were inching dangerously close to lines that should not be crossed. 

“He’s a bit of a player though, isn’t he?” Beala noted, swirling her wine in the glass before taking a sip, eyes never leaving the screen. “Alistair is a much better choice. He’s kind, gentle,” “As innocent as a Chantry Mother.” Dorian teases while Sera laughs, lifting her glass with a grin on his face. “Remember when she invited him into his room? His face was redder than the sheets!” The rowdier elf continued to cackle, right up until the point Vaughan grabbed a bottle and lunged at Zevran with it.

“Holy shit!” Sera gasped out, Dorian’s eyes widening at the sight before letting out a groan. “Really? How barbaric can you get?” Though he was only joking because Zevran had skillfully rolled over the edge of the couch and out of the way. He was smart enough to remember his contract and ran towards security with the mad drunkard right behind him. It was always a treat when one got to see the crew behind the show, a cameraman scampering out of the way before security barreled in. Literally.

The mage felt his jaw drop as the hulking Qunari rammed into the human, easily toppling him over. He had seen many Qunari while here in Fereldin and his brief time in Kirkwall but none were so, well, big. His horns made one realize why many of the doors to the manor were so big, stretching out as wide as a prized bull, he stood at least three heads taller than his target and those muscles. Just watching the way the security guard manhandled the madman with ease, pinning him with one hand effortlessly as a second man came in for backup...well.

“Dorian. Thedas to Dorian do you copy?” Beala asked, Sera laughing as she looked back at her friends with a smirk. “He’s drooling!” The mage quickly shakes it off before wiping his mouth, diverting his eyes from the television. “I have no clue what you’re talking about.” He states in defiance, a snort leaving the city elf’s lips. “Is that what gets you off there? Can’t blame you. Them Qunari right? Just...so big. So much of them. Like...Woah.” Sera sighs dreamily as the screen cuts off to commercial, the man letting out a huff as he stands, brushing off his robe. 

“He’s certainly big enough but one has to wonder what all that is compensating for.” He remarks while going back into the kitchen for something to snack on. “Sera, it’s on record right? I want to be able to relive the moment Vaughn finally gets kicked off this damned show.” He calls out while rummaging through the fridge, hearing Beala giggle from the living room as she called back to him. “So you’re not going to pause when they zoom in on the security guard’s ass?” Dorian does not blush at those words nor does he decide to grab a bag of chips from the pantry to give himself time to calm down.

“If that is the same moment that asshole gets his head smacked into the ground then yes, yes I will!” With that he returns to the living room to sit beside their guest, pouring the chips into a glass bowl as he changes the subject. “So Sera, what will it be this time? Wipeout or What would you do for a hundred bucks?”

——-

As the sun rose on a new day Iron Bull found himself waking up with a shit ton of texts and emails on his phone. He glares at the shining device with his one good eye, deciding it would be better to drink coffee first before he deigns to see exactly what shit storm everyone is talking about this morning. It’s a part of his routine actually; drink his coffee, eat breakfast, check his phone, brush his teeth, then start his day. Even outside of the Qun Bull could appreciate the peace a predictable set of rules provided for him.

Outside of his mornings though his life was anything but predictable, partially due to the security company that he ran. Bull’s Chargers was a private security service that catered to the needs of celebrities and big businesses alike, providing them with everything from top of the line tech to unbeatable brute force. They could also handle a wide range of threats, even having their bomb specialist Rocky for especially shitty cases of someone wanting someone else dead. Thank whatever Gods were up there they had only really needed to use that skill set once. 

As diverse as the Chargers were though they were all his boys and they were all family, from the archer who shot arrows, not magic, to his right-hand man Cremisus Aclassi. They’d been together since the last time Par Vollen and Tevinter had a skirmish and he knew he could count on the man when shit hit the fan. So when he walked down the stairs of the large estate that served as the Chargers national headquarters and saw Krem waiting for him with a shit-eating grin he couldn’t help but groan in anticipation.

“What did Rocky blow up this time?” Bull asked as he headed towards the coffee machine, grabbing his ‘world’s best boss’ mug and filling it up halfway with coffee before he went to grab the milk. “Well something is blowing up but it’s not one of Rocky’s failed crowd control experiments.” Krem’s teased while the hulking Qunari reached for the milk and creme, closing the large fridge shut with a little more force than necessary as he racked his brain for what it could possibly be.

“Skinner go through with her threat to shave the new kid’s head?” He asked curiously, Krem shaking his head as he let out a hum, leaning against the counter. “No, but if Carver keeps pushing her you better believe it’s going to happen.” Bull is smiling as he stirs the mix together, humming gently to himself as he thinks on the matter. “I still don’t think he has as big of balls as he thinks he does. And there’s,” he looks to his phone, chuckling, “five more days till you lose that bet Krem Puff.” 

The Lieutenant lets out a grunt of disgust at his commander’s awful pun before he finally pulls up his phone. “It’s you Bull. You’re the one blowing up today.” The Qunari pauses in his stirring, raising a brow and looking over his shoulder at the human as he pokes at his phone. “Remember that idiot from the Villa? The one whose face you sanded the floor with?” His one good eye lights up with understanding as it clicks into place, a long sigh leaving his throat as he lifts the cup to his lips.

“Oh, so that episode finally aired huh? How bad is it?” He figured a big bad Qunari wrestling down the son of a well-known politician would not be taken lightly. Vaughn had threatened to sue his company after the pompous brat was kicked off the show but his father knew they didn’t have a leg to stand on. Last he checked his father had practically disowned the poor guy and now the whole world knew why. Still, he guessed there might be some outrage at his rough handling of the human.

“Everyone wants your ass apparently.” It took all of Bull’s training not to choke on his coffee at Krem’s words, swallowing the milky liquid down before turning to the smaller man with a raised brow. “That’s not news Krem.” His words were calm even as the other leaned across the counter, sliding his phone over with a laugh. “You’re right. It’s international news now.” Bull stares at the tiny screen before giving up and grabbing his far more Qunari friendly phone, begrudgingly opening it up and pulling up the ‘Entertainment News’ article Krem was mentioning.

Sure enough, the first thing one saw when the homepage loaded was a large picture of his ass front and center. **‘Hottie Qunari Charges Smashed Contestant: Security for the Bachelorette steals the show and the viewers’ hearts!’** A quick swipe out of the window and a tap on his personal email reaffirmed the attention his ten minutes of fame had bought him with over a hundred notifications from the last dating app he had drunkenly applied for blowing up his screen.

“Son of a Taint.” Bull groaned out, Krem laughing as the man slouches against the counter, the Tevinter Soporati gently poking his bald head. “Ah come on chief! I thought you loved being the center of attention!” His one good eye glared up at the man in front of him, tapping his phone gently in annoyance. “I like attention.” Bull agrees, downing the rest of his coffee before placing it down with more force than necessary, standing up straight with a proud smirk. “I’m more than an ass though. Look at these arms! These horns!” Krem rolls his eyes as Bull begins to jokingly flex, shaking his head as he leans off the counter. “Your pillowy man bossom.”

Bull slouches his shoulders at these words, letting out a huff as he grabs his cup to go back for seconds. “Laugh it up Krem! You wish you were getting this kind of love!” In reality, this was not the kind of publicity that Bull was after. He didn’t want his guys being hired because he was some kind of internet celebrity, nor did he want people to try to get to him through his boys. This was going to be a pain in the neck to deal with and the Qunari was already thinking of ways he could implement some damage control when his phone rang.

Debating ignoring the phone call for a moment he picks it up, looking at the number and immediately recognizing it. Josephine Montilyet was the one who usually called on behalf of the stars or major production companies. Companies like the Inquisition Network that filmed the Bachelor series…..shit. “Gotta take this Krem. Man the guys for me.” With that he puts the phone up to his ear, grunting in mild annoyance. “Josie! I can only guess why you’re calling so early in the morning.” He hears a polite laugh from the other end of the line followed by the clicking of computer keys.

“Iron Bull I am glad I’ve been able to reach you. I trust you have had a pleasant morning?” Her voice says she knows more than she’s letting on and Bull doesn’t even try to hide the annoyance in his voice as he answers. “As much as I can with my email being flooded by propositions from strangers. I take it your day is not any better?” He asked, the woman laughing as she stops tapping for a few moments. “I had to tell more callers than usual that you only take serious offers. Speaking of, Varric Tethras was wanting to get in touch with you. Would you mind calling him sometime before two?”

He curses under his breath having known there had to be some kind of catch to all of this. Varric was one of the heads of the Inquisition Network, the lead when it came to the Bachelor series right now. He had been the one to reach out and hire The Chargers for the last season of the Bachelorette and if anyone was going to catch shit for what went down on that episode it was going to be him. “I’ll call him right after breakfast. Thanks for letting me know Josie.” He hangs up the phone before he grabs pop tarts from the cabinet and tossed a pair into the microwave. Not his ideal breakfast but he needed to eat something before he got torn into from an angry TV producer.

He wraps the meager meal in a napkin and heads up to his office where he can take the call comfortably and in private. One of the perks of owning a private business was you could start the day in your pajama bottoms and it didn’t even have to be casual Friday. He sits back in his large chair, leaning back with a sigh before he reaches out and grabs his Bluetooth earpiece and slid it into place. Pulling up the dwarf’s phone number and dialing it, munching down on the sweet treat as the line connects. 

“Thank you for contacting the office of Varric Tethras,” the secretary sounded less than thrilled to be speaking with anyone at this hour, “who is this?” “The Iron Bull with the Chargers security group. Heard he was expecting a call from me.” Bull heard the secretary hum before letting out a defeated sigh, the clicks of a keyboard echoing in the background. “One moment Mr.Bull while I connect you to Mr. Tethras’ personal line.” He gets put on hold only for a brief moment before the line picks up once more, a testament to the dwarf’s anticipation for this call.

“Bull! Glad you took the time to call.” He hums on the other end of the line, the Qunari honing in on the sound of the man moving some papers about. “How’s internet stardom treating you?” The tone is teasing but he wonders if Varric is just being nice for when he drops the bad news. The man was such a softy he could honestly see him doing that. “Not bad.” Bull states honestly, opening his personal email on his computer, sighing in annoyance as he realizes the number has grown since last he checked. “Really not looking forward to clearing out my email.” He frowns, running a hand over his face before he decides to listen to the music. 

“Listen, I know your partners aren’t pleased with you?” “Ha!” Varric’s laughter interrupts the apology, hearing the dwarf roll his office chair out. “What are you talking about?! You’re a hit!” He briefly hears the man’s feet hit the ground before he goes on. “That brat needed to be knocked down a few pegs anyway but that’s in the past. What’s present is that your clip of that takedown has gotten more hits than any other in the last three seasons!” Bull finally lets go of the breath he had been holding, glad he wouldn’t be losing such a valuable client over such an instinctive move. Still, that left a new question hanging in the air.

“If everyone up there is happy with me why are we talking?” One can almost hear the smirk spreading across the writer’s face, the low laugh building a pit of dread in Bull’s gut. “Because Bull, your little stunt on TV just made me realize something. We’ve never had a Qunari Bachelor before.”


End file.
